Chinese Chit Fund

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God bless the Chinese. A few days ago our great neighbor walked into Ladakh across the border and restarted the border problem.


I think they erected a hakka noodle shop. When the government told them to go back to their side of the border they said “No, Because We Are In Our Territory”.

By the way according to the Chinese everything marked in red on this map is their territory.

And everything marked in red on this map is also their territory.

So technically they have not crossed any border and are in their territory only. The only part of the world which does not come under their territory is this part.

And that’s because the Chinese are scared of her.

Didi is busy saving her party people from a chit fund scam.

 

This chit fund is one among many -it funds in India. Some of them are.

Ch*t fund – this is a fund used to take care of ch*tiyas :

Pit fund – a fund used to give compensation to families of babies who fall into borewell pits

Tit fund – this is self explanatory 

Hit fund – used to kill cockroaches like these 

And these

Kit fund – a fund that refurbishes all cricket bats in this guy’s cricketing kit after he breaks them during a rampage

And finally,

Himmat fund – a fund that provides relief to all those victims who died after watching 

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How to Marry The Woman of Your Dreams: a Scientific Treatise

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The process by which the female of any animal species selects the male with whom she will cohabit and let him pass his genes to her progeny is called sexual selection. And while feminists are often prone to confuse Homo sapiens males with canines, the fact is that even the female Homo sapiens is essentially an animal. Consequently the rules of sexual selection apply to her as well.

This process of sexual selection is not merely a biological abstraction. The reality of its existence hits you like a Tysonian punch on the nose, when impelled by your hormonal storm and confident in your belief in being a youthful Adonis, you approach the most beautiful girl in your college and receive a summary rejection – without so much as a backward glance to check if the thud behind her was just a falling log or your head hitting the ground. After you’ve endured the amusement of your dear friends and well-wishers and finished contemplating the various non-painful means to end your life and your shame, you begin to think : What went wrong? Why did she reject you, when according to you, you were the most suitable play…err….life-mate for her. The answer, my dear fellow, is sexual selection.

According to the principles of sexual selection, a female is always on the lookout for the best possible man to father her future children. And her criteria are often entirely different from what you think they are or should be. For instance, you may be the sort of person who jumps to rigid attention every time the National Anthem plays, even on your radio while you are seated in the 2nd class compartment of a train, and thereby lose your hard-earned seat. You may attend your local Nationalist organization meetings regularly and do the daily exercises, giving the stick in your hand an extra twirl whenever you spot the object of your desire at a distance, nearly poking yourself in the eye with which you are lechering at her. You may think that your patriotic fervor makes you the finest fellow on earth. But, believe me, your patriotic acrobatics have as much chance of making her sway as the Eastern wind has of toppling Mount Kilimanjaro.

Or you may be the nice guy, a man with a heart as tender and soft as Katrina’s cheeks (the ones on the face), who picks up stray kittens from the streets, feeds them Parle-G biscuits dipped in milk and put them up for adoption on Facebook. While everyone is flying kites on Makar Sankranti and focused on the sky, your eyes remain focused on the ground, to look for pigeons that’ve been hurt by the kite-strings, to take them to the vet. And every day, you go to the girls’ hostel to meet the girl of your dreams and enquire dutifully after her health, take the list of her day’s shopping and fetch all the items in a jiffy, like an especially well-trained and intelligent dog. You keep to your task with the persistence of the above-mentioned canine, until one fine day she introduces you to the love of her life who has come to pick her up on his Yamaha Superbike. And later in the year, to put some Burnol on your wound, she parcels a loving Rakhi for you on Rakshabandhan. Of course the Burnol feels like Kissan chilli sauce.

Or you may be one of those souls who go to the gym and punish the machines, until the weights start having vertigo, and the owner starts complaining that the steady stream of your sweat is spoiling his carpet. Soon you start resembling Hercules. As she passes you, she steals many glances at your bulges and cuts. And when you both turn around to check each others’ asses out, the thing happens, which Karan Johar calls love, but more discerning philosophers call lust. You go out, you shop together, you watch movies together, you eat together and finally you sleep together. You’re happy that you’ve found the princess of your dreams and you suggest that she fix an appointment for you with her dad, the king, so that you can formally apply for her hand. She calmly tells you to not be silly and that marriage is the last thing on her mind at the moment. She actually means that marriage WITH YOU is the last thing on her mind, at ANY moment. And despite your Schwarzeneggeresque physique, her dainty cold shoulder crashes into you with the power of 11,000 volts of pure electricity and you’re knocked out cold.

By now, I can visualize you screaming at the top of your voice, the age old question:

“WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT????”

See, it’s not the question of what a woman wants. That’s the wrong question. A woman wants pretty much the same things that a man wants – a comfortable easy life, moderate life challenges that pleasantly exercise the faculties without taxing them too much, the latest iPhone, pizzas on weekends, new clothes and shoes, and a bit of love to make it all seem grand and fulfilling. The real question is not what a woman wants. The real question is, what nature wants.

Remember that eccentric old Irish-English dramatist GB Shaw? He wrote a lot of atrocious things and also a lot of sensible things, and among the latter was this: that a woman is nature’s vehicle through which she determines the sort of genes that will be passed onto future generations.

Look at most of the animals and their mating patterns. Who does the female select to mate with? The strongest or the smartest male she can find, right? Someone she can trust to provide and protect herself and her kids. Because that’s the sensible thing to do from an evolutionary point of view. Because only the fittest will survive in the future.

And strength in the human society is determined not by muscle or brain, but by money. The wealthier a man, the stronger he is in the society. Too obvious to state, isn’t it?

But hey, hold on, you say. What about smartness, you protest. What about intelligence? Isn’t intelligence the motive force of the human civilization? Shouldn’t human intelligence then hold the highest esteem in a woman’s eyes, and the intelligent man have the best chance of entering into her…uh…affections?

Not really. Because the most important consideration for a female is that her male should be a good provider and protector – and what provides and protects better than money? Besides, intelligent men are too often eccentric and dreamy and impractical. And most women believe that the richer man is also the smarter man. So if they have to choose between say Sid Mallya and Vincent Van Gogh, 99 out of 100 women would tell Vincent to be practical, earn some money, and go for some other girl who will make him happy.

And what about men with a sense of humor? Women’s magazines are full of articles about women practically soaking wet for the man who can make her laugh. I tell you, that’s the biggest joke of the century. Women enjoy talking to men with a sense of humor – hell, everyone does. But that’s all. Strictly platonic bro. And she may be wet because his jokes made her laugh so hard that she leaked a bit, that’s all.

So my friend, you can have any girl in the world you want – the most beautiful, the sexiest, the smartest or the one with the biggest, you know, heart – provided you have the dough. It doesn’t matter if you’re as bald as Tibet or as ugly as a toad, or as dense as the Gurgaon winter air. What matters is not the bulge on your arms, your forehead, or even the one between your legs – what actually matters is the bulge in your pocket. So don’t build those muscles, but exercise the little grey cells in your head and build your bank account. She doesn’t want the man of steel – she wants the man of gold.

NB: And dear feminists please don’t call me misogynist. Blame mother nature

princess and toad

 

 

HOW NOT TO DO ANYTHING WHEN YOUR SOLDIER DIES

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INDIAN HOME MINISTRY, 22: 00 HOURS. Home Minister Shinde makes a phone call to Pakistani counterpart Rehman Malik
Shinde : Hello,namaste Rehman Bhai,kaise ho?
Malik : Asalam waleykum shinde bhaijaan,theek hoon,aap boliye
Shinde : What the fu*k is going on yaar? Your army is crossing the LOC and beheading our soldiers.
MalikOur army! Are you sure?!!! First time I am hearing of this! Our army is busy fighting terrorists with American help. Why would we even cross the border and kill your soldiers?!!
Shinde : Just today I have received information that Hafiz Saeed was at the border a few days back planning for this attack.
Malik: Woh kya hai na sir,see that fellow is under house arrest for 26/11 .Thoda he would have been feeling couped up so we decided to give him some fresh air. He was there only for sight seeing.Bahut dino se border nahin dekha tha na!
Shinde : Look Rehman.Dont angry me ok! If your soldiers did not cut off their heads and kill them then who did? It has to be you only. Its the Line of Control yaar. Not some bloody Bigg Boss house where any and every sidee character can show up aise hi! It is high security danger area. It has to be you! Who else could it be?
Malik: Bhai saab, Incident has happened on your side of LOC! Why are you asking me who did it? We definitely did not do it! We are still celebrating Pakistan team beating your country in cricketrecently but if you are insisting so much I will conduct an investigation and get back to you.
Shinde : Ok,I will wait for your call.
AFTER 10 MINUTES
Malik: Hello Shinde ji! Good news.We have finished our investigation.I can confirm we had nothing to do with killing your soldiers. Who killed them I don’t know but it was definitely not us.
Shinde : This is bullshit Rehman! I am officially condemning this ok! If this type of thing happens again,I will ……I will…. Lodge OFFICIAL PROTEST OK!
Malik: Oh no! Not an official protest!!! We hate official protestIt is a very dangerous thing. I am sorry Shinde saab.Let me do another investigation and get back to you. We will try and find out in detail who is involved in this incident. Let me get back to you ASAP.
Shinde : Ok,thank you.Namaste.
MEANWHILE AT PAKISTAN ARMY HEADQUARTERS GENERAL KAYANI IS TALKING WITH HIS LIEUTENANT
Kayani : Amazing neighbor we have yaar! We go through the trouble of planning such a detailed operation. We cross the Line Of Control.Go into their territory.Ambush their soldiers.Cut their heads and come back.Still they are not going to do anything! Itna saara kaam barbaad kar diya.
Lieutenant: Sir,I don’t know what is wrong with them. During 26/11 we sent 10 terrorists by boat.We captured an entire hotel in Mumbai.Terrorized them for 3 days . Killed so many people.Still they did not do anything!
Last year alone we violated the ceasefire at LOC 75 times.Still they did not do anything.
ISI is smuggling fake currency notes at Nepal border.Still they are not doing anything!
Worse Veena Malik has been living there for years now? Still they are not doing anything! WTF SIR! What is wrong with these bloody Indians! They never do anything!!!
Kayani : Haan yaar,it is very worrying.It is very sad.
I MEAN THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO CORRUPTION. RAJA AND KALMADI ARE OUT ON BAIL. ROBERT VADRA IS STILL DOING BUSINESS. NITIN GADKARI IS BUSY GETTING A SECOND TERM AS BJP PRESIDENT. STILL THEY ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING!
THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO SPORTS.THE CRICKET TEAM LOSES MATCH AFTER MATCH STILL THEY KEEP THE SAME CAPTAIN! THEIR OLYMPIC ASSOCIATION HAS THE SAME OFFICIALS EVEN AFTER SO MANY YEARS.EVEN WHEN THEY ARE BANNED BY THE INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITEE THEY STILL CONTINUE TO FUNCTION!
PEOPLE LIKE PRAVIN TOGADIA,VARUN GANDHI AND AKBARUDDIN OWAISI TALK OPENLY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE STILL THEY ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING! 
 
 
 
 
KHAP PANCHAYATS SAY RAPES HAPPEN BECAUSE OF CHOWMEIN EATING. RSS CHIEF WALRUS FACE BHAGWATSAYS WOMEN SHOULD DO ONLY HOUSEHOLD CHORES STILL THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING!
ASARAM BAPU SAYS IT IS THE DELHI GANGRAPE VICTIM’S FAULT SHE WAS RAPED! STILL THESE INDIANS ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING!!! YEH KYA HO RAHA HAI YAAR?! 
WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE BLOODY NEIGHBORS??! WHY CAN’T WE HAVE A NEIGHBOR LIKE ISRAEL! THEY ARE SO MUCH FUN. YOU DROP EVEN A PIN ON THEM THEY WILL BOMB YOUR ASS! THESE INDIANS ON THE OTHER HAND DO NOTHING EVEN IF WE CUT OFF THEIR SOLDIERS’ HEADS! I AM SAD 😦 WHY ARE THEY NOT DOING ANYTHING?!!!!
Lieutenant: Sir there is one man in India who is willing to fight everyone on every single thing. He has been fighting since day one on every issue – corruption,cricket,politics,rapes,every single thing!
Kayani : WHO? WHO? TELL ME! WE WILL FIGHT WITH THAT GUY!! AT LEAST HE WILL DO SOMETHING! WHO? WHO?!!!
Lieutenant: This guy:

External examiner leaves red-faced after Roadies-inspired student creates havoc in viva exam

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“The Roadies interview was horrible for me. I couldn’t do a single thing. They changed my attitude towards life.”

Campus News:
Earlier this week, a shocking incident took place during a viva exam held in Yet Another College of Engineering (YACE). It is reported that one particular computer engineering student lost all his senses and broke into a series of actions which might change the way vivas are conducted forever.

Gandom Ruy, a 2nd year student, was a calm and decent chap according to his teachers and friends. Some believe what happened during the viva was just a manifestation of the Roadies interview round trauma he suffered recently: “I had seen him at the Roadies audition very recently! At first I couldn’t believe my eyes. Gandom can’t even introduce himself properly, what Roadies audition could he give?!” said Fome Sriend.

 

when approached the internal teacher, Mrs. Tant Ceach, to find out what exactly happened. But apparently she was yet to recover from the shock. On further questioning, Mrs. Ceach refused to answer and insisted that she could not waste further time, as she had to sign-without-actually-checking the first pages of 10-page long assignments submitted by students some time earlier this year.

 

“I was glad when I saw that he would sit for the viva along with me,” said Piva Vartner. “Since he had never interacted much in class so I thought I could totally dominate him during the vivas but… well, the external was angry even with me. He threatened he would fail me. I told him that I had read the book 4 times, and moreover, since I am a girl, he could not fail me even if he wanted to. But he was really angry.” She broke down uncontrollably.

 

This is what Gandom Ruy did in front of the examiner.

What actually happened? Students from another batch who were seated in the same room performing their practical told us the entire story. According to them, Gandom sat down and started giving his introduction right away to the external examiner. However, he was talking more about his opinions on homosexuality than himself. He started his hullabaloo when the external asked him, “What would you do to enter ten in the binary system.” Apparently Gandom heard it as, “What would you do to entertain us?” — a very popular question on the Roadies interviews and Gandom took this as a cue to start with his monkeying-around activities. He stood up and swiftly dropped fifty push-ups with his feet rested on the examiner’s table. While some say he cleared the table to perform a full split, most maintain that he was trying to dance on the table and accidentally ended up in the full split.

 

When the external asked him if he was alright, Gandom is said to have replied in abusive words. He then went on to sing the Bhaag D K Bose chorus repeatedly until the examiner lost his cool and left, thus making Gandom immortal in the history of all vivas ever.

We got a chance to ask Gandom about his actions and this is what he said, “The Roadies interview was horrible for me. I couldn’t do a single thing. They changed my attitude towards life. I know now that talking about one’s views on homosexuality a lot during the introduction, 50-odd push-ups and a full split are sufficient to get through any one-on-one interview session. That is how many people have cleared the Roadies interview round, so how can these vivas be any different?! I’m pretty much sure I’ve made an impact, and I’m hoping to score a 14 on 15 in my vivas.”

Appalled by the student’s behaviour, the external, Mr. Shadus Kadist said that he was going to call for an immediate meet of the Union of Viva Examiners in order to discuss better ways of taking vivas. He said, “Maybe the fault is not in them. It’s with us… maybe Mr. Sapil Kibal will exert his righteous changes on this system too?”

Shortly after the meet, sources said that there were temporary plans of setting up “viva centres” where students would be tied to a chair and questioned. Water might be the fluid thrown on the student’s face in case he/she tends to lose focus or is unable to answer.  While it was decided that these centres would be placed in a way that would mean extra and unnecessary eleventh hour travelling for the students to get to the centres, the duration of an individual viva was left undecided.

Gandom may have tried to implement what he learned from that Roadies interview, but in the process he has ensured some serious changes in the viva structure.

10 Reasons Why Education is Injurious to Health and Society

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  • Overdose of sleeping pills is detrimental to health: If a study were to be conducted on effects of sleep-inducing pills/situations, lectures would trump other drugs and medications by an overwhelming margin. It’s such a shame that no company has yet been able to synthesize lectures and classes into sleeping pills. These pills would have no side-effects whatsoever; one pill would just put the patient to a deep peaceful sleep for an hour.
  • Dumb, dumber and dumbest – The art of being a fool and yet making a fool out of others: You cannot argue with a fool. He will bring down the argument to his level and then defeat you in his comfort zone. Have you ever been able to answer questions convincingly in a viva-voce? No? You know the reason now.

    Also, how often do you understand what the teacher is trying to explain? Almost never, I suppose. The answer lies in the following statement: If you can’t convince them, confuse them. So, it’s not you who is the fool, but it’s the other fools who are making a fool out of you.

  • Induction of frustration and suicidal tendencies from teachers leads to an ever-increasing mortality rate: When you have to endure people who seem devoid of life force, bereft of the will to live, possessing the power to completely suck the intensity and enthusiasm out of your very soul, there seems only one solution to escape the harsh reality—to hang yourself until death. Dementors are for real; they live among us. They feed on our happiness, our laughter, our energies. Next time you come across a teacher, who makes you want to kill yourself, try this: Think of the happiest moment in your life, and scream Expecto Patronum.
  • Education, a source of employment for the unemployed: Can’t find a job? Not qualified enough? Not good enough? Don’t worry; we have just the job for you. (Courtesy: Mentos, Dimag ki batti jala de). BECOME A TEACHER, TODAY, NOW! It has good pay, relaxed and flexible working hours, but most of all has huge perks, such as “Screaming at students for no apparent reason” or “Venting your frustration by failing those pests”. It has everything you could dream of. Join the group today, become a teacher.

  • The Drain-of-the-Brain Syndrome: Our system works on a very simple philosophy: The more you study, the dumber you become. These effects of excessive studying are very well-documented in the form of a new upcoming class in the society—the Ghissus. Chances are that these Ghissus will make it to the very top of the hierarchy, and will have a great package, a great job, but will be as dumb as a duck. (*Cough* Prime Minister of India*Cough*)Please follow this algorithm for securing maximum marks in examinations: Step 1: Find the most popular book by an “Indian writer” in the given subject, which probably your seniors, and the seniors before them used. Step 2: Start studying at least a week before the exams. Step 3: How to study? Cram the formulae, mug up the derivations, solve a couple of numericals. Go through the past-year questions, find their answers. Step 4:Ask the teacher for some “probable” questions. Step 5: Repeat Step 4 over and over again, until he tells you all the “probable” questions. Step 6: You’re done. Go hang out with friends.
  • Degradation of English at hands of your teachers will lead you to become a teacher yourself: A great chain reaction is at play here. Your teachers will first ruin the very basics of your English, which will render you jobless. You will then have to choose the only job you can find: A Professor/Lecturer/Teacher/Lab Assistant/Physical Education Teacher. And then, you, in turn, shall ruin English of hundreds more. Ah, the mysterious ways of society!
  • It is impractical to perform a practical which is not practical: A “practical” cannot be deemed practical if the apparatus doesn’t work, if the readings are random and unpredictable as the number of stars in the sky, but most of all if you have to write practical records by copy-pasting from someone else’s files. Absolutely nothing practical about that!
  • Antiques are better for decoration, not for use: Wine gets finer as it gets old; teachers get crankier. They belong together—old bottles of wine and Professor Grandpas—in a cabinet of fine antiques, adorning the grandeur of the living room. Because, you see, you cannot come up with “new and innovative” measures like PowerPoint, while the world has already moved on to videos, illustrations and animations. People should know when to stop feasting on past glories and when to fade away.
  • The feeling of nausea before exams: We are not talking about nausea from food, but the nausea from mugging up 500 to 600 pages of books, in five-ten hours. It’s a special skill set that develops only once you enter a college. When you do master it, you will be able to vomit all or most of the information from those 500 odd pages directly onto your answer-sheet in one go! Disclaimer: The vomiting ability is a one-time skill only.
  • The schedule of classes leads to a disrupted time-table and disjointed sleeping hours, leading to schizophrenic tendencies and lucid dreaming: When the prescribed sleeping time-table for students i.e. 3 am to 12 noon is disrupted by lectures and classes from 8–9 am, over an extended duration, students suffer from serious psychological impacts such as lucid dreaming (Loosely translated as: “Din me tare dekhna”) and schizophrenia (abrupt laughter, delusional fantasies, aggressive behaviour). This aggressive behaviour in students has been well-backed by a recent study on the “number of expletives and profanities a common student uses in one single day”, which claims that the number almost tends to the number of galaxies in the universe.

An Open Letter to Manmohan Singh

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To
Dr. Manmohan Singh
Prime Minister of India
Ex-Educationalist

Dear Sir

While your extremely proactive government conveniently forgets about all important issues plaguing the country, busy finding ways to paint the black money white, busy thinking of means to cover up your latest scams, some of us don’t. While you, my dear sir, develop amnesia towards education or more precisely, the lack of it in the country, we don’t.

The PM responded to our open letter with a letter of his own. It was blank. Apparently, it means, "No comments."

The PM responded to our open letter with a video-tape of him smiling. We double-checked the volume but it had no sound. The tape was titled “Theek Hai”.

It really doesn’t reflect well on your CV, what with you being an ex-educationalist and all. Anyway, it seems like our top leaders are not really concerned about educating young India; actually, they shouldn’t be, after all it’s easier to fool the uneducated ones. So, while you have been diligently working on various “classified issues”, education standards in our country have fallen to a new low.

Clearly, somebody is responsible. Who? The child who goes to the Government School and finds an empty class? Or, the teacher who never attended a class himself and yet finds himself teaching? Me? Or, Socrates perhaps? No, it’s you. It’s your government, and the lack of sincere efforts on your part to improve this sector.

Hence, it is your legacy that “Village schools” nowadays stand for “Village in schools” instead of “Schools in Villages”. How, you ask?

  • Lack of proper infrastructure: A wee bit of cement waywardly spread around a banyan tree does not qualify as a “school building”. How much of your budget funds have built a building in these villages, Dr. Singh? 1 percent or 2 percent?
  • Dearth of qualified teaching staff: “Teachers” who spell “Sunday” as “Sundae” or who can’t add two two-digit numbers or don’t know the difference between an “exclamation mark” and a “poorna viraam” simply cannot be classified as teachers! But, we can’t blame you for this eh, honourable PM? Because, you can’t even fix your own cabinet, how can we expect you to fix this?
  • Lack of awareness: If parents insist that the child helps them with the farms, instead of going to schools, how would the child know that he/she must go to school? Again, our deepest sympathy for you, for you aren’t even aware of your powers as PM. Surely, an unaware man cannot be the harbinger of awareness.
  • No access to quality education: Educating children just for the sake of swelling up numbers and stats falls under this category. But again, you are probably familiar with this, since India too has no access to quality Government!

I request you that if there is any money left after all those 2G, CWG and Coalgate scams, not to forget the latest Vodafone Tax Scandal, please put it in reforming the education sector. Our villages are in a dire need of good educational institutions, but knowing you, you probably are still busy in framing our newest ordinary policy, the ten-thousandth of the year, aren’t you?

Reforming the education sector is not as tough as eradicating corruption, a little more attention and some serious and sincere efforts are bound to the trick. I still believe that you and the leaders in your cabinet are good at heart and there is no deliberate strategy to keep India illiterate, but at the same time there are very less political incentives taken in order to boost up education level.

Watching you go about your work like a mummy on strings and still turn a blind eye towards the issues at hand, it might be advised that you feign night blindness while reading this, or burn it as soon as you are finished. Because, you must realize that you are destroying an entire generation by not giving it access to quality education. You might as well launch a nuclear missile and get it over with! Sir, one need not be an expert to realize that what is happening is seriously wrong.

Sincerely,